Thorn

Oh what is this?  This thorn in my flesh.  That would cripple me to the point of inability to think straight?  How am i so easily deceived?  How am i so easily lead astray?  How can i fall so easily to this spiritual warfare?  Does not the Holy Spirit in me protect me from this?  Is not the Lord Sovereign?  So then why do i stumble with this?  Why do i fall every time?  I do not even have a defense against it?  How  then can i guard against this?  How? please just tell me how.  I can not think straight.  I walk around as if in a stupor.  I think i do right yet I do not.  

For I do not understand my own actions. For x I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with y the law, that it is good. 17 So now z it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwellsa in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 b For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, c it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

Oh how i hate my own actions.  I can not lift this oppression of which i am burdened.  It bears down upon me and i can not escape it.  Oh how I long for God's perfect and pleasing will, but I do not have the ability to carry it out.  For how can I if I can not even think straight? How can i do what is right if Satan blinds me to what is right and what is wrong?  I wish to tear this thorn from my flesh and be free from it, so that I may serve the Lord.  Even now i still am desiring those things that I have been deceived into believing are right.  With my every action i am seeking my destruction.  My very heart yearns to be torn from my chest.  Is it satan that has this hold on my or is it my sinful flesh?  

i want to break

I want to cry

i want to be rid of this burden

i want to be in heaven with Christ

the enemy seeks to conquer me

how long must i fight?

i have not the power to win this fight 

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Oh this body of death.  So much death.  

The Lord is sovereign and works all things for our good.

discouraged

You should probly just stop reading this one right now.  Its pretty just about me and nothing important.

i feel discouraged.  i dunno why.  i still rejoice in God.  and in his election.  i still want to seek the glory of God and point to his glory with everything in my life.  

maybe its stumbling in sin.  But i know that there is no guilt in christ.  there is nothing that i can do to ever seperate myself from christ.  and in the same way there is nothing i can do to ever make myself more righteous in the eyes of the Lord.  

maybe its convicting my brother of the sin he is living in, and him not responding positively. maybe its the fear and the knowledge that if he continues in it he is heading towards the cliff.

i dunno.  i was going to write a blog about my family here.  and about how much i love them.  When i think about them, it makes me happier.  knowing how much my brothers love me, and how much my sisters love me.  but sometimes i feel alone.  I dont know why.  It could very well be spiritual warfare.  And i could really use a hug.  I remember not 3 days ago, i was on the lake riding out in a sardine can of a boat with emily heading to the beach to set up stuff(actually back to dan because he was stranded) and i couldnt help but be overwhelmed with joy at the love of my family i have here.  I really have to thank the girls across the street.  They are so full of love, and they are such a beautiful picture of the love of Christ, and they brighten the lives of their brothers so much even when we dont come close to deserving it.  

I dont even know why im writing this.  Its not really edifying, it doesnt really further the gospel. 

i need to rest in christ's love

i need to seek Him

i need to cry in his arms

satan has no hold here

may the Lord rebuke the evil one

he has no hold over Christ's elect!