As i sit here staring at the screen. The new post box fills my screen. This screen that i have avoided for a while. I fear that you will see through me in my writing. I fear that you will see the apathy and weariness that i use as a cover, to hide my fear and confusion. I am sad, scared and confused all at the same time. I am sad that this will be my last weekend working in junior high ministry. I am scared of leaving the relationships I have in awakening, I'm scared that they will forget me. I'm confused about whether or not to pursue a relationship with a girl that lives here when I'm moving down south.

I have forced myself to write, and now my apathy and weariness overcome me.

gone

Ive been thinking lately about this whole moving thing. Why am i sad that I'm leaving? Shouldn't i be finally glad that I am moving out? No its not that I'm scared to leave my parents home for surely i do not call it my own. Shouldn't i be excited? I'm going to be closer to all my friends from high school who went off to a 4 year down south. But I really don't care about that. I don't need to be apart of that crowd anymore. I fear moving away from these relationships that I have now. Yes, I can make new friends, its not that scary. But the bonds and friendships that i have developed are so strong, and so deep that i don't want to lose that. What about that girl? What happens when I'm gone?

Will i miss the smiles upon my kids faces as they throw snowballs at each other? Will I miss their graduation? Who will I come to when i need help? Who will i rely upon?

what i wanted to put as an introduction to my testimony on my college app

I read the essay requirements for this application months ago. I noticed the requirement for my written testimony. I continued to put of writing it down, as my mind went through all the reasons that I had no desire to write my testimony. I had no desire for my story to be boiled down to simply another story on a piece of paper. And still as I write this I have no desire to write this. As I write my testimony it loses all personal connection. As the admissions department continues to read through a hundred testimonies every semester my fear is that this will simply become just another faceless story.

what name could i give?

I figure I would take a break from the inciting revolution for a week.

How easy a man can fall. Such great strength, which can endure so much. But even with such great strength how easily we fall. No it is not the gun, knife or disease that we fall to. It is the waves of apathy that break upon our shores which will be our downfall. Oh such hopes and dreams, such great aspirations. May we reach for the stars only to be destroyed at the faintest whispers? Oh i feel as if I were a leaf floating upon the wind; one moment I am being carried on a gentle breeze only to be plummeting the next second. Oh how I wish I had no heart so that I could no longer feel. Oh such torment is the assault of apathy. Oh but is it really the apathy that assaults me or is that the safety mechanism? I can't get hurt if I don't care. Oh what is it that i fear so much that I would rather immerse myself into apathy? What is this curse of Adam that would make us fear failure so much that we would give up all cares in the world rather than risk failure and take that leap? I can never fail if I never try. Oh how is it that failure is the thing which we fear the most?


Its the songs that give me hope. Their melodies make me feel like im not alone.

the institution

What happened to the desire to learn? We had that once. Look at a little kid, and listen to him. A conversation with him will be filled with his questions. "Why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from? What is a rainbow?" Now look at a high school kid, and listen to him. A conversation will be filled with his apathy and the occasional question. "When is class over? Will I have to write this on my crib sheet for the final?" What happened to the desire to learn?

I like the idea of school. A place where you can learn from people who are the authority on their subjects. But it seems like it has turned into a place where you are forced to memorize things that are not always true. We empty students of all individuality and strip them of their inquisitive nature. We load them down with heavy burdens to further beat them into that submissive worker that the corporations seek. I am reminded of Paulo Friere's work, Pedagogy of the Oppressed, and will quote Rich Gibson in his work Paulo Friere and Revolutionary Pedagogy For Social Justice:

Freire criticized "banking" educational methods, seeing students as empty accounts to be filled with deposits of knowledge.

Friere spoke of how learning has become a passive activity by which we simply receive knowledge and have knowledge "withdrawn" during tests. Learning must be active, as we continuously test what is true as Gibson continues to explain:

He practiced a transformational style, the student becoming a subject in gaining and experimenting with knowledge. Truth became an examination of social understandings, not a doctrine determined by testing services.

What is truth? Can the institution decide what is truth? Must we believe whatever falls from the mouth of our teachers? Certainly not. Especially when the institution decides what they are allowed to teach! Why would the institution want you to learn the history of the Ludlow Massacre where, on April 20th 1914, two National Guard companies, who were stationed on hills overlooking the largest tent colony of strikers in Ludlow, Colorado, open fired with machine guns upon the tent colony. And then they proceeded to set fire to the tents and the pits, which were dug by women and children attempting to find refuge from the gunfire. If we taught this in history classes would it really benefit the institution? No, it would stir a curiosity in students, and a passion. A passion that would most likely turn against the institution.

My belief is that the institution has intentionally killed our desire to learn. The institution needs to kill our desire to learn. It knows that if our desire to learn is allowed to survive we would one day come across the truth of our countries history. The Ludlow Massacre, the Genocide in the Philipines, the war crimes committed in the Vietnam war, the genocide of the Native Americans in our country I could go on endlessly listing atrocities committed by our government. If we learned the truth about these things we would come to understand the intentions of the founding fathers when they wrote the declarations of independence:

That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Call me crazy but after reading about the Ludlow massacre I would have to say that our Government has become destructive of our rights to Life, Liberty and our pursuit of happiness. By this Declaration of Independence we are charged with the right to alter or abolish it and institute a new Government that will effect our Safety and Happiness. But, of course, if we were to create a new government that would not definitely not help the institution. Because then we would have people in government who weren't in the pocket of the institution. We would have politicians that weren't corrupt (at least for a week). And our new government would care more about the people than the coffers of the Morgan family. But of course we could never speak ill of our government thanks to the patriot act, so lets give a hurah to giving up all our freedom for a sense of false security, Hail to our dictator!

eros pt2

As you may have noticed (hmmm. . . that would imply that people actually read my blog) I have written about the topic of love a few times recently. My question today is why is it on my mind? Why is love so pivotal to our being?

Look around, society has sought out love and in its pursuit it has twisted and degraded this thing which is so pivotal to our existence. It has taken the beautiful feminine form and turned it into pornography. It has taken the beauty of a marriage and intimacy of a woman and a man and turned it into defunct relationships with animals, kids, and orgies. What happened to love? We have lost love and now the only thing left is lust. We have lost the desire to seek what is good, and now worship whatever feels good.

What happened to one man loving one woman? A love that would shake the mountains. You know those stories of love, the stuff you hear of in fairy tales. You know I think we, as a society, have to call them fairy tales so that when we come to a point in our lives where we are faced with the question: 'Where is the love? Like you hear in fairy tales. Where is my princess, whom i must rescue?' We can brush it off easily: 'Oh thats just a fairy tale. That doesn't happen in the real world. Just settle for financial security, because theres no such thing as true love'. We have traded love in for this twisted cheap version. And now we must assure ourselves that what we have is the real thing and not just some cheap knockoff. But are we really fooling anyone?

I want to find a woman that i fall in love with, and who falls in love with me. I want to redefine what society calls love. I want to passionately pursue her; to show her beautiful. And I don't just mean that she is physically attractive, but completely beautiful in all her stunning wonder.
I want to rescue her, from the world that seeks to oppress her feminine spirit into either becoming a sex object or a overachieving people pleaser. And protect her from that which would hinder her compassionate spirit. I want to surprise her with flowers and a picnic on her day off. I want to cuddle up by a fire with hot coco when its snowing outside and talk all night long. I want to lift her up in everything I do so that we may continually grow together and be supported by each other. I want to shake the foundations of that this world calls love. I want to live and love together.